My Big Secret

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I totally surprised myself at the end of class yesterday! I was inspired to invite everyone to share something that they feel pleased with about themselves. When it seemed people were hesitant about sharing, I shared that I decided to do something that feels really big and scary:

I’m going back to school for a dance program.

As I’m sharing this bit of information with you right now I feel like this is a huge mistake: what if I don’t make it? if you’ve been following my blogs you probably know at this point that I’m in the business of pushing myself to do things that feel uncomfortable. In this case both the act of trying to get accepted and the act of telling you about it feel like I must be out of my mind.

i’m remembering trying to do things on my own when I was younger, especially around dance, without much support. I think I have given up trying until now. Maybe there’s an opportunity here to correct that and bring people in while I’m at it.

So there you go. Now you know.

The truth is that ever since I started the application process, which involves creating a dance I’ve been feeling like my life has new meaning. My brain is working differently. It’s more flexible. Everything seems possible. I attribute it to a couple of things:

One: engaging in creative work is deeply inherent and crucial to human existence and I’m responding to that. It’s like my brain is saying: “give me more”!

Two: deciding to go for something I want and follow a creative path is incredibly hopeful.

As much as I’m feeling terribly embarrassed and even humiliated to share what I want and what I’m going after for the fear of not being able to get it or for being rejected, there’s a part of me that equally doesn’t care.

I believe that humans come to this world wanting to try things. That when we were very little we didn’t really care much about the end results. Otherwise we wouldn’t have learnt how to walk or talk or do any of the things that require trying something a million times before you get it. We really cared more about trying. A lot of us gave up trying at some point, partly because the well- meaning adults around us couldn’t bare see us fail or because they wanted us to do what worked for them but not necessarily for us or because we were trying things in total isolation.

As for me, it’s as if I’m just psyched about discovering that I really want to try something. More even than what happens as a result. As far as I’m concerned, I’m already seeing some results. I’m delving into the creative process as I’m preparing to show a dance piece and i’m doing it with some help and support which is what I’ve been wanting all along.

I’ve heard about the idea that what matters is the trying many times before and it never really sinked the way it’s sinking now. I really get it. I think that means I’m becoming more alive and I’m getting more of myself since I’m able to go back to the time in my life before I gave up. How exiting!

OK. Enough about me now! What about you? I really want this for you too! Can you think of something that you want to try and deciding to try it just because you want it, without knowing if it’s going to work or not? Can you tell how important it is to the world that you get to try something you want? Can you envision how the world would look like if we were all feeling that much alive?

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