I booked my flights to the most God forsaken place in my book! Going to a workshop for a healing modality I practice. It is meant to help heal you from the trauma of war. Particularly that horrific war. The effects of this war seem to be in my every cell, my every breath, my psyche. Part of me has been wanting to go for years, but another part of me had been dreading it, feeling like I would surely fall apart, literally not be able to make it through. I guess I’ve come to the point where I’ve done enough emotional work that I can tell I have the inner and outer support to do it. The part of me that is urging me to go just knows at my core that the biggest prize is waiting for me on the other side. True, I am going to face the “unfaceable”, but I’m going to do it in a way that allows for my healing from the hurts that have left my family, and in turn myself, completely terrified. If I think about all the things that are stopping me from being who I truly am, they are all connected to the kind of terror that has to do with doubting the justification for one’s own existence. A question that has to be an internalization of a message that comes with the systematic annihilation of one’s people.
As the fretful part of me keeps mounting doubts about this trip, today I got a clear answer to the question of why I am going. My existential terror has found countless ways to rob me of many things in life, but mainly of my birth right to experience deep joy. The only place where I can truly experience it in an unreserved, unconditional way is when I dance the kind of dance that is not meant to please anyone but myself. That’s when I can completely let go and feel connected to Source. In spite of the fact that I chose the kind of work that allows people to experience the very thing that I mostly desire myself, I find it challenging to make space for my own dance. There’s always a seemingly technical reason, but the real reason has to do with the internalized terror that comes with giving myself what I truly want and knowing that it’s justified.
So why am I going to Auschwitz? I’m going to get my dance back. A vision came to me the other day: I’m right there in the concentration camp. It’s a beautiful day, the sky is blue, and I’m dancing on the green grass surrounding the gray structures of death. How awesome would it be if I could bring myself to do that? Maybe that’s possible with enough healing.